To be perfectly honest, folks, I deserved a right good slap.
"Hello girls," I said to a couple of female friends, Jane and Catriona, "Fancy joining me for this week's restaurant review?"
"That sounds great," they replied, in unison, "What's it called?"
"Two Fat Ladies."
To be fair, neither Jane nor Catriona is particularly plump (well, not in a bad light while you're wearing sunglasses) but this cost- conscious critic still thought that a 10 per cent discount might be on the cards for taking them along.
After a quick couple of aperitifs in a nearby boozer - in as classic a case of locking the stable door after a particularly chubby horse has bolted, both girls insisted on slimline tonics with their large vodkas - we waddled along to the trough.
Two Fat Ladies, as every female reader has already probably guessed, takes its name from the bingo call for 88 (plus, of course, its address on Dumbarton Road).
Widely regarded as one of Glasgow's best seafood joints, it's also one of the city's smallest eating places.
Actually, I would say there's barely enough room inside for two genuinely fat ladies.
Just beyond the tiny kitchen space, I only counted about eight or nine tables and this snug little eaterie immediately reminded me of the early- '80s sitcom Robin's Nest - particularly when I heard a plate being dropped just as we took our seats.
Do you think they've also got a one-armed dishwasher?
A beautifully concise menu - just the way I like it - features four starters, four shellfish options and four main courses (including the only non- fish option, an eight ounce fillet steak).
Best thing about this terrific little line-up? Not a single vegetarian dish in sight.
I started in fine fashion with the pan-fried fillet of sea bass (served incidentally on a red hot plate). It was extremely tasty, particularly the crispy skin, which I bet most folk rather foolishly leave behind.
Jane's steamed Loch Etive mussels were "beautiful, really beautiful" (the poor girl obviously thought that she was eating Norfolk turkey) and extra bread was ordered to soak up the fantastic, white wine, garlic and cream sauce.
The king prawns cooked with garlic butter, were also pretty damned good. Although Catriona felt the saffron and coriander rice, no matter how tasty, runs the risk of dulling the appetite long before the main course.
By the way, these large prawns are served minus the shells. "Everything at Two Fat Ladies is easy to eat," said the waiter.
Great news for anyone like myself who loathes farting about with anything on the plate that's not edible.
For example, have you ever clocked someone attempting to eat lobster with one of those intricate little tool kits? Sorry, but I'm afraid that life's far too short.
The fish platter at Two Fat Ladies changes on a daily basis and my ultra-fresh, perfectly cooked slabs of salmon, cod and halibut were simply immense.
Without a word of a lie, I never imagined fish that hadn't been introduced to a deep-fat fryer could possibly taste this good.
Both girls plumped for the roast monkfish, despite Catriona informing us that trawlers apparently used to chuck this creature back into the sea as it was considered far too ugly to eat.
Well, on the contrary, I'm assured the monkfish was quite delightful.
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Widely regarded as one of Glasgow's best seafood joints, it's also one of the city's smallest eating places.
Actually, I would say there's barely enough room inside for two genuinely fat ladies.
Just beyond the tiny kitchen space, I only counted about eight or nine tables and this snug little eaterie immediately reminded me of the early- '80s sitcom Robin's Nest - particularly when I heard a plate being dropped just as we took our seats.
Do you think they've also got a one-armed dishwasher?
A beautifully concise menu - just the way I like it - features four starters, four shellfish options and four main courses (including the only non- fish option, an eight ounce fillet steak).
Best thing about this terrific little line-up? Not a single vegetarian dish in sight.
I started in fine fashion with the pan-fried fillet of sea bass (served incidentally on a red hot plate). It was extremely tasty, particularly the crispy skin, which I bet most folk rather foolishly leave behind.
Jane's steamed Loch Etive mussels were "beautiful, really beautiful" (the poor girl obviously thought that she was eating Norfolk turkey) and extra bread was ordered to soak up the fantastic, white wine, garlic and cream sauce.
The king prawns cooked with garlic butter, were also pretty damned good. Although Catriona felt the saffron and coriander rice, no matter how tasty, runs the risk of dulling the appetite long before the main course.
By the way, these large prawns are served minus the shells. "Everything at Two Fat Ladies is easy to eat," said the waiter.
Great news for anyone like myself who loathes farting about with anything on the plate that's not edible.
For example, have you ever clocked someone attempting to eat lobster with one of those intricate little tool kits? Sorry, but I'm afraid that life's far too short.
The fish platter at Two Fat Ladies changes on a daily basis and my ultra-fresh, perfectly cooked slabs of salmon, cod and halibut were simply immense.
Without a word of a lie, I never imagined fish that hadn't been introduced to a deep-fat fryer could possibly taste this good.
Both girls plumped for the roast monkfish, despite Catriona informing us that trawlers apparently used to chuck this creature back into the sea as it was considered far too ugly to eat.
Well, on the contrary, I'm assured the monkfish was quite delightful.
